Remember-izing

I know some moms are really emotional at the beginning of the school year, but I seem to always be that way at the end of the year.  The end of the school year makes me so aware of time passing . . . I think to myself, "Aaron will never be a 6th grader again, Nathan will never be a 5th grader again, and Anya will never be a kindergartener again." 

Aaron was a Safety Patrol captain this year, and his days on safety patrol are over now as he enters middle school in the fall.  He is about 1 inch shorter than me, and wears men's size 11 shoes. (Yikes!)   Nathan left Cub Scouts behind and became a Boy Scout this year.  They've both matured so much . . . especially Nathan.  He still has his goofy sense of humor, but has learned more about when it's appropriate (with some great reinforcement at school by his creative, wonderful teacher).  Their friendship with each other gives me such joy -- when they go to bed at night, we always hear talking and laughter.  But they are not too old to really play with their little sister -- the kindness they show when they include Anya warms this Mama's heart.

Of course, the end of the year brings a few bumps in the road . . . such as forgetting until Sunday that a video project and paper are due TODAY.  (During the last week of school? Why? WHY?!)  And my lunch-packing skilz have taken a nosedive.  Nobody's going to be putting my kids' lunches on Pinterest this week, that's for sure!

And Anya . . . what a huge year she's had. There are so many things I want to "remember-ize," as she says.  Over the school year, she went from being clinging and uncertain about school to a confident, relaxed, engaged almost-first-grader.  I am relishing that she still holds my hand every morning as we walk to the playground, and races out of school at day's end with a huge smile, running straight into my arms. 

I love all the questions she asks -- on the way home from church yesterday, I had to give her a scientific explanation of lightning and thunder, and explain how fog/mist/clouds condense into raindrops when cold air hits them.  And it wasn't even raining -- that's just what was on her mind!  After being scolded by a ground-nesting bird at a mini-golf course last week, we had to look up what kind of bird it was (ruffled grouse). She is so curious about the world!  Except for bugs.  She is phobic of those (I will not take credit for that -- I'm only spider & centipede phobic!)

She loves math and is a fluent reader. Anya loves to sound out words everywhere (including some billboards or ads I'd rather not have her read!).  She loves to write down her own stories and made many Mother's Day cards and drawings for me.  My favorite was 20 tiny pieces of paper that I had to read in consecutive order:
20.  I love you.
19. Do you love me?
18. Do you love me forever?
17. Cus I do.
16. So do you? Do you?
15. Cus I reiley do.
14. You can't take a secind!
13. I just can't wait!
12. I can't wait for you to ansor.
11. You have to tell me
10. if you do.
9. or if you do not!
8. So wat's your ansor?
7. Or do you have an ansor?
6. So do you? Do you?
5. Oh, your better than that.
4. Come on, you can tell me.
3. Your my mom!
2. Come on!!!
1. Yay! You love me !!!!!!

I do, indeed -- I love my quickly-changing kids so much.  And as much as I want to freeze them just the way they are, I also look forward to all the ways they will continue to grow -- and I'm so thankful that God let me be their mother.

"To help and not hurt"

The Appleton girls in their jammies.

Jen Hatmaker posted the second part of her three-part series on ethical adoption.

Because our family is multi-racial, we are often approached by people who are interested in starting adoptions.  I will be directing them to Jen Hatmaker's "Part 2" in a heartbeat! 

This post contains so much great information about choosing an agency and choosing a country to work with, and it lists "red flags" that may indicate your agency is dealing with corrupt people (or has less-than-stellar practices in place itself).

I have always been so, so grateful for our agency, Dillon International -- and they would get high marks according to the lists in this post.

When we first chose an agency, we asked LOTS of questions about the children in India, why they were typically relinquished, how long Dillon had been working in India, and more.  We also asked for references, and asked about other agencies (and asked those agencies about other agencies' reputations).  Dillon also helps provide care in-country for the children who aren't adopted, which was another sign of their commitment to children.  Asking all those questions make me feel like a nosy, rude person -- but now I'm so glad we asked so many questions and chose Dillon because of it.

We also heard one story that spoke volumes about Dillon's commitment to birth families:  one of their India families had received a referral for a child.  While in the courts, the birth mother came back to the orphanage and was now in a position to parent her child.  The prospective adoptive mother and father were heartbroken, of course -- but they were counseled by Dillon that staying in country and being raised by the birthmother is the ideal situation, of course.

I was so heartened that the orphanage and Dillon were up-front about the return of the birth mother.  They way some anti-adoption folks paint the picture, agencies and orphanages are in it for the money (which makes me think they have no idea what these non-profit employees earn!!) -- but here was an example of both agency and orphanage "losing out" on fees for the best interest of the child.

I pray that any families starting an adoption would be committed, as Jen says, "to help and not hurt."  And ask LOTS of questions -- the children and birth families deserve no less!

Can't wait for part two

This is such a good piece of writing!  Jen Hatmaker says it with grace, intelligence, compassion and a heart for justice: Examining Adoption Ethics, Part One

Film and novel about Partition

Director Deepa Mehta

 

For anyone who wants to learn about India, one event looms large in the country's modern history:  Partition.  On the stroke of midnight, the moment between August 14 and 15, 1947, the British rule of India ended at last, and the land was divided between Hindu India and Muslim Pakistan.  Millions of people were displaced and relocated, as lines and boundaries changed in that instant.

Salman Rushdie wrote a novel exploring that time in history called Midnight's Children. Most people, myself included, know about his book The Satanic Verses, which earned him death threats from Muslim fundamentalists -- but Midnight's Children is actually considered his masterpiece.  It follows the life of Saleem (the main character), and others who were born at midnight on August 14, 1947 -- and fleshes out that huge historical event with human faces and experiences.

Now Midnight's Children has been turned into a film by one of my favorite Indian directors, Deepa Mehta.  If you've never seen any of her movies, you're missing some really outstanding films!  She is well-known for her "Elements" trilogy of movies, Fire, Earth, and Water.  Water, about a child bride who is widowed and must live in a house of widows for the rest of her life, is my favorite Indian film ever.  Like Salman Rushdie's, Mehta's work has been protested for religious reasons.  When Water was being filmed, Hindu extremists protested and rioted, and some of the film sets were burned.  Ultimately, the film had to be completed in Sri Lanka.

If you'd like to hear more about the film, here's an interview about Midnight's Children that aired on NPR's Morning Edition.  I don't know if it will come to our city's theaters, but I will be looking for it at my library and on Netflix in the future.

Birthday weekend

This weekend about did me in!  We had beautiful weather (finally!), and our weekend looked like this:

Friday night: We celebrated Nathan's 11th birthday with the grandparents and local uncles. We alternate years for our boys to have a big "friend" party, and this year it's Aaron's turn.  Nathan requested an ice cream cake, so it was my first attempt at making one -- and my good friend Go*gle came to the rescue with an easy recipe.  We loved being able to shower Nathan with love and words of affirmation, and had fun looking at pictures of his babyhood and younger years together.

Saturday morning: Peter helped friends paint their house, and we went back in the evening to help clean up (and play at the park across the street from their house).

Saturday afternoon: Grandpa surprised Anya and me with tickets to see The Lion King, which was an amazing show visually -- the most incredible fusion of set and costume design and music I've seen.  The story comes across as much more profound onstage than in the movie too.

Sunday afternoon: Anya had her long-awaited "friend" birthday party!  We had friends over to make bead crafts (tiaras and bracelets), and it was so nice outside that the girls ended up running around the yard, drawing with chalk and playing on our swingset.  Anya's actual birthday is the week of Christmas, so we chose to delay her "friend" party until a less crazy time of year.

Although the weekend ended up being kind of crazy anyway.  :o)  Whew! 

Amazing NOC news!

K is very much on all of our minds!
Anya's kindergarten class is studying India this month. 
Inside this elephant, she wrote "to K_____, from Anya." 
Melted my heart! She also brought home a map of India that she colored,
and she had drawn a boat in the ocean, and wrote "K____'s boat."
And just to bring a tear to my eye, her sweet teacher had
drawn in dot and written "Bangalore" on Anya's map.

I can hardly believe it's true . . . but we received an e-mail yesterday saying that we received NOC! 

Early last week, our orphanage e-mailed to say that the state clearance board had mailed our paperwork to CARA, so we were prepared for a much longer wait.  The shortest we expected was one month, as one recent family experienced -- so we were in shock when we read the e-mail from Jynger, our agency rep.

That means our NOC was granted in about ONE WEEK!  Amazing! 

Now our case will head into the court system.  We have no idea what to expect about how long court will take in our city . . . one recent family's case was very fast (one month), but another agency sent word that it can take as long as 9 - 12 months. 

So we are praying for another happy surprise, but prepared for anything . . . and thanking God for this awesome turn of events!

Adoption ethics in the media recently

Hang onto your hats, adoptive friends . . . this is a long post, but the topic is so important that I hope you'll bear with me.  My bloggy friend Missy alerted me to two articles regarding adoption ethics, specifically in the realm of Christian adoption.  Yesterday, on NPR's Fresh Air program, there was an interview with Kathryn Joyce, author of the upcoming book, The Child Catchers.  The book examines underlying motives about adoption in the Christian context, and the lack of attention often paid to ethical issues in adoption in the midst of the new "orphan fever."

And in Mother Jones magazine, there is a truly sad and horrifying article about adoptions from Liberia and other African countries that were entered into with little preparation, questionable motives, and tragic results.

The Mother Jones article is a particularly difficult read, mostly because of the frightening ethical violations and lack of education on the part of the adoptive parents.  I do feel, however, that it's important to read these articles, for two reasons: first, because it's always important to understand what our culture believes about Christians (so that we can communicate better about Christ), and second, because there are very real ethical concerns in adoption that too many Christians ignore.

I admit I felt sorrowful and defensive about the writers' lack of distinctions (or seeming lack of knowledge) about very different subsets of Christianity.  Michael and Debi Pearl and the abusive methods they teach in their books are lumped in with all of "evangelical" Christianity, when they are a tiny subculture that exists far outside most Christians' knowledge.  (The only reason I know of them is because of one real-life friend and one blog friend who were raised in abusive families/churches that subscribed to their methods.)  Likewise, the adoptive parents' ministry and magazine in the MJ article are people I've never heard of after being a well-read Christian for over 20 years.

I also wondered if the MJ reporter actually knows anyone who is a professing Christian, or if the reporter has been deeply hurt by Christians -- those are a few reasons I can think of for the lack of any semblance of balance in reporting.  The MJ article never mentions the precautions put in place by countries who have agreed to the Hague convention standards, never mentions the rigorous education requirements to adopt from Hague countries, and never contrasts the unethical, uneducated, abusive parents with an example of people who are great adoptive parents. 

Most importantly, the reporter did not seek out families who have left particular country programs because of ethical concerns.  I personally know of two families who have done this (one online friend and one real-life) -- and it would've made for better reporting to include examples like theirs.  When some Christians are aware of ethical issues, it contrasts with and holds accountable those who do not.  I understand that the focus was on unethical adoption practices, but making the article entirely one-sided does a huge disservice to the children waiting for families.  I hate to think that people are being scared away from adopting altogether by articles such as this when there is such a glaring need for loving families to step up.

I won't comment too much on the book, because I haven't read it yet.  I did read the excerpt included with the interview.  In it, Joyce mentions that part of the back story for writing this book was a friendship that began during a previous book about Quiverfull families.  She goes into some detail about her years-long communication with this woman . . . and it seems as though Joyce may, like the Mother Jones reporter, lump different subsets of Christianity together.  (Don't know what Quiverfull means?  It's a patriarchal branch of Christianity that eschews birth control in favor of God determining your family size, and can also include other practices such as women having long hair and wearing dresses.)  But the excerpt was short, so that's all I'll comment on for now.

I'm sharing the links not to upset you, but rather so we can all be prepared to answer well if questions about ethics come our way.  As Christians, we should be VERY concerned that our children come to us in ways that are above reproach.  We should be the MOST concerned.  We should be the ones raising questions first, out of our desire to honor Christ in everything we do.

But too often, we don't.

I am disturbed by the numbers of Christian adoption agencies that seem to pop up like mushrooms when new country programs open up, do not have the same high standards for pre-adoption requirements . . . and then disappear within a few years.

I am disturbed when I see some families get their children home very quickly, when I know other families working with the same country (and a reputable, by-the-book agency) who wait for years.

I am disturbed when other types of orphan care are not mentioned . . . such as sponsor programs, micro-loans for parents to earn a sustainable living, etc.  We should be equally excited about caring for children in-country, who will never be adopted, and creating solutions to alleviate poverty (the reason some families place their children in orphanages.)  Often in church settings, in-country care is never mentioned -- and adoption is presented as the only solution.

I am disturbed when Christian "orphan" conferences do not include the perspectives of any adoptees.  We need to be asking them about their experiences -- they are the experts, and their experiences are actually more important than mine, as an adoptive parent who was the only one who had any choices about my children's adoption experience.

I am disturbed when adoption agencies and adoptive parents don't take time to understand the foreign country's perceptions about orphanages or adoption.  (In many countries, impoverished parents will admit their children to an orphanage so they will have food to eat -- fully intended to get them back in a couple months, when the crops are in, etc.  They have no idea they're agreeing to relinquish their kids permanently.)

I am disturbed when I hear Christians talk about adoption as a mission field, or as saving orphans, or being a means to spread the Gospel.  Of course I will teach all of my children about loving Christ, but first and foremost, adoption is about committing to parent and love a child -- a real, flesh-and-blood child.  When we make it about a cause, we turn a child into a project, which is just dehumanization, plain and simple. 

We Christians who are committed to ethical adoptions need to be ready to speak up.  I know corruption and deception can happen in Hague countries too, and I would hate to unknowingly be part of that scenario.  But we are doing everything in our power, from our agency choice to our country choice, to our dedication to pre-adoption education to make it a good, ethical, beautiful, redemptive thing.

And I'm committed to spreading the word.  Last week, I spoke to our church's moms' group about adoption, and my focus was on the many complexities of international adoption, including loss and grief, making sure adoption is ethical, and being well-equipped to parent in new and different ways (for becoming a transracial family, and for parenting hurting children). 

So I'm speaking up in my little corner of the world!  And I hope you will take opportunities to do the same thing.  Our kids, and all children waiting for stable, loving families, deserve no less.